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The bullying usually began with an epithet– “queer,” “faggot,” and “weirdo” were recurring themes– quickly followed by a punch.
There were 3 of them, all star players on the Rockdale County High School football team, with two thuggish linemen holding me still as their diminutive leader, Danny, did most of the talking (and punching). They’d slap my face so as not to leave visible marks, then punch me in the stomach until I felt like I was going to puke. Sometimes I’d get punched by invisible enemies while walking through the halls between classes. This happened every single day for nearly a year.
I’d just turned 15. I was uprooted from the inner-city home in which I grew up, transported to the Footloose-like town of Conyers, GA, and thrown in with rednecks whose idea of culture was Bocephus, a mouthful of dip, and a gun rack in their pickup truck. Because I’d skipped a grade, I was two years younger and a good deal smaller than most of my classmates. And because I dressed like a mid-’80s New Wave kid, I stood out like a sore thumb. My crime was that I was different, and they were determined to punish me for it.
I wasn’t afraid to speak up. I told the Coach who taught the weight training class in which I suffered the abuse, and he disavowed any knowledge. I told the Vice Principal, who said he’d look into it, which only made the bullying worse. I told my father, who told me I needed to learn how to fight like a man. Eventually, between the physical and emotional abuse I was experiencing both at school and at home, I began to seriously contemplate suicide.
Of course, my story is far from unique. Recent studies estimate that 13 million kids are bullied in the U.S. every year. One of those kids, Lee Hirsch, grew up to be an award-winning documentary director (his debut film, Amandla: A Revolution in Four-Part Harmony, won the 2002 Audience Award at Sundance). With his latest documentary, the critically acclaimed Bully, Hirsch is hoping to spark a nationwide anti bullying project that will effect change for years to come.
The film, which was just released on DVD, follows the lives of five students who face bullying on a daily basis, as well as the families of Tyler Long and Ty Smalley, two students who committed suicide as the result of constant abuse. We recently spoke with Hirsch in an exclusive interview about his own experience with bullying, his emotional response to making the film, and the ways the Bully Project is firing up the anti bullying movement.
How did your personal experiences with being bullied influence your anti bullying project?
I was one of a couple of kids who were on the receiving end of bullying in my school. A lot of the kids involved would make it part of their daily ritual to punch or gang up on me. My parents were 20 years older than the other parents. My dad’s attitude was, “Just toughen up and deal with it!” I couldn’t make it stop on my own, and I couldn’t express what was happening very well. Those are the things that made me want to make the film. The hope was that, if I could show through a documentary what actually happens– how violent and scary it is– that it would be an end to people saying “boys will be boys.” It amazed me that that was still an acceptable response in our country. So it was a very personal drive.
Why do you think it has taken so long for a prominent anti bullying movement to rear up?
I think we’re in an age of these types of movements now. If you look at sex abuse and domestic violence in America, for a very long time people didn’t feel like they could come forward. I think its time has come, because we in our country are more open. I don’t have the perfect answer to the problem. But I’m glad that we’re addressing it and that so many journalists, politicians, community leaders and educators are willing to look at how they can create change in their communities.
On a personal level, I got angry seeing these kids going through what we’ve been through. How did you maintain any sort of journalistic distance from it while at the same time having emotional empathy?
I don’t think I identify as a journalist, per se. I saw myself as an ally to these kids. I worked hard to understand where they were coming from, and to establish that they wanted to tell their stories. They were more like partners to me than subjects. In a lot of moments, I was pissed off immensely, but I also had the sense that I was involved in a much deeper act of intervention on their behalf. I knew in those moments that they knew I was there for them.
How did you keep yourself in check when it seemed like the message wasn’t getting through to school administrators, local politicians and police officers?
You talk about being pissed off: I was MUCH more affected by the level of indifference I was seeing. When you talk to parents of kids who are struggling with this, you hear that there are too many people who do not step up– particularly adults– when this is going on in their buildings. A huge part of our work with the Bully Project movement was to use the film as a motivator to create change, starting with people’s hearts and minds. We’re learning to be more strategic and effective, and I think it’s having an impact. When a school comes together and watches Bully, I think it forever changes the conversation there. The same goes for families: It helps them understand and communicate what might be going on with their kid. The parents might open up about what they went through, and in turn their kids might open up. That’s where the work for us is the most impactful.
What was your reaction to the MPAA’s controversial “R” rating when they reviewed this film?
I fought it really hard because I thought it was hypocritical. We had a lot of help, especially from a 17-year-old student from Ann Arbor, who started a petition on Change.org that got over a half a million signatures to compel the MPAA to change the rating. It felt like they’d absolutely gotten it wrong. It didn’t go unnoticed that The Hunger Games was released at the same time with a PG-13 rating. So it was an important fight to have. Ultimately the MPAA came to their senses and allowed us to make some very small changes, which gave us the PG-13 rating and allowed us to keep the integrity of the film.
Since the film’s release, have you seen the anti bullying project gaining steam?
Absolutely! I’m super optimistic. When we screened at the White House, President Obama announced his support for two important pieces of anti bullying federal legislation. That was a big step. We’ve had three Congressional screenings, and there was a bipartisan anti bullying caucus formed during one of them. But we’ve seen more parents, concerned individuals, and even kids organizing huge events around the film. We raised money so that over 250,000 kids could go on buses to see the film, with 10,000 educators getting training and webinars on how we can use this film to reflect on our where our schools are and how we can make changes. CNN has produced a 1-hour special on the anti bullying project, called The Bully Effect, which will air on February 28. And then you have celebrities like Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Ellen DeGeneres speaking out, and the media telling these stories. So I think the national conversation is changing, and all this stuff combined can create lasting impact.
What advice would you give to kids going through the torment of bullying, or the parents of bullied children?
First, watch the film together as a family and talk about it. Invite your neighbors. Have a community conversation. The other thing is to engage with us. We have an active community on Facebook. We have an incredible Bully Project website with resources and tools for kids, parents and educators. Most importantly for the parents, make sure your kids know that you’re on their side when it comes to bullying; that you’re in the fight for the duration and you’re going to support them. It’s really important for kids to know that they’re not alone. –Bret Love; photos provided by The Weinstein Company
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I can totally relate to that. Kids used to call me “ball of fat” when I was 8. It does scar you for life.
Cristina Garcia recently posted..Four Whale Shark Facts
I’ve had bad experiences too. I could not forget it when they call me in random names like monkey or monkey eating pineapple. When I was in middle school they there was one guy who keeps me calling rabbit. He even brought me a rabbit shit wrapped in a plastic bag, that was really disgusting…. Until now, I could not forget his evil face.
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I’m so sorry to learn about the bullying in your past, Bret, but how great is it that you survived it and flourished into the type of successful, focused dude who can give voice to the problem and help spread the word about this important documentary? The tables are turned now, aren’t they?
Karen @ Trans-Americas Journey recently posted..Ocean to Ocean in One Day – Panama Canal, Panama
I was lucky growing up because I was freakishly tall, so didn’t get bothered much. Some of my friends not so much. It’s about time someone is doing something about it.
Raymond @ Man On The Lam recently posted..Does Dubai Have a Soul?
High school in the US just sounds so brutal to me. I always embraced my inner weirdo at school but never came across much bullying. I think there’s a big difference between the high school culture in New Zealand and the US.
Bethaney – Flashpacker Family recently posted..Ten Great Beaches in New Zealand
Thanks for highlighting such an important topic. Going to check out the documentary now.
Adam recently posted..Drinking for charity: the Tenderloin Cocktail Club in San Francisco
Great interview. I really relate to your experience and that of the director growing up. 5 foot 2 at the age of 16, I shot up to 6 foot between leaving my secondary school and joining a sixth-form college on the other side of town. At the middle-class secondary, my lack of height made me the target of bullies. Including one teacher who punched me in the stomach. In his defence, he thought I was picking on a kid who’d just had the balls to come out as the school’s first openly gay homosexual. The boy was actually a mate and we were playfighting. I didn’t get bullied at all at the much more working-class sixth-form college. One because nobody knew me from before and two I’d gone from a shortass to a tall boy.
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My mother refused to let me pick my own clothes until I turned 16 and got my own job. We had been uprooted from middle class El Paso to the much more expensive Austin only to go to the richest schools in AISD. Not only was I one of the only Mexicans but I got a particularly scary threat from some girls making fun of the holes in my shoes while saying, “we’re going to cut your face up with a razor blade so you won’t have any beauty anymore. Oh wait, you didn’t have any to begin with!”.
It is this reason that I avoid my reunions like the plague. I was just always awkward. I’m so glad that this is a movement now. I could have used supportive people like this.
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Being a Jew, part Native American, smarter than most of my peers, and later on being a foster kid, overweight, and obviously gay added on top of moving schools at least once a year because of my psychotic mother meant I rarely had a year in school that didn’t involve some form of bullying, whether it was about being smart, “the teacher’s pet” (I always had special projects because I’d finish way before everyone else), having moobs, or having a high-pitched lispy voice. Although one of my “favorites” was being harassed as a Christ killer since I was the only Jew in school.
I had developed a rather thick skin, but by the time I was in 5th grade, my patience was dropping. I finally beat up the kid who started calling me Christ killer. By the end of middle school, I discovered that when going to a new school, it was just easiest to hit the first kid who started in, then the others left you alone. By high school I had perfected the “look of death,” enough that when I finally was nearing my threshold of patience, I could give the look and voice a vague enough threat that the problem was solved. Thankfully, for most of high school I was also attending college, so I only had limited time to deal with their nonsense.
What’s really hard is when you have situations like yours where you’re also being abused at home. Being abused at school is hard enough, but when you’re also getting it at home. . .
I haven’t seen this documentary yet. It came out while we were traveling in an area that had no movie theater. It sounds quite powerful. I’m hoping all these projects do some good. It breaks my heart every time I read about another young person who has taken their life.
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Yay for this interview, and hooray to Lee Hirsch for his hugely important work! The 140 seventh graders I teach thank you, as do I!
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The teachers we are had the same idea!
I taught first grade last year and was horrified at the bullying I saw from time to time. The culture that these small minds get comes primarily from their parents in Spain – anyone who is not Spanish, Catholic and well-dressed got a lashing at my school. Having grown up in a community that was primarily minority, I felt honored to have kids from many different backgrounds in my class, and felt it was an extreme advantage to a primarily white community. I was wrong. I spoke with the religion teachers, who felt it was not in their realm to do anything because I should be the one teaching values. The problem was that I taught in English to children who had a few scattered vocabulary words and phrases, but nothing to understand the hurt they could cause to others.
Well done, Bret and Mary!
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I think it’s great this is getting more attention. Growing up, this was just a part of growing up. Now it’s as bad as any other form of abuse and shouldn’t be tolerated. Kids shouldn’t have to go through this. They don’t have an outlet. It’s time for teachers, peers, educators, and leaders to make a difference. I’ve seen campaigns on TV for a while that talk about bullying. However, maybe a film is what we need.
With that said, I admit I haven’t seen the film and I do have some reservations. While it is great to raise awareness to protect these kids, I think that is only half the battle. The ones doing the bullying often have self esteem issues and problems as well. They are doing it to make themselves feel better. And unless parents of these kids step up, I don’t think it’s going to be enough just to defend those being bullied. Maybe I am wrong but that’s my feeling from my amateur psychology perspective.
Jeremy Branham recently posted..Travel confessions from a mid life crisis
Thanks for sharing this Bret – both your story and the interview. When I was working in the UK, there were big campaigns to stop bullying in the workplace, which is also a problem that is often ignored. Wherever it is, society needs to recognise that bullying cannot be tolerated!
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Well Done! The more we all talk about this stuff, the better things will become.
I worked with teens for a long time and I know they can relate as much as I can.
Thanks for sharing and doing the work!
Justin Mussler recently posted..Get Us Back To The Keys!
I don’t have any first hand experience with this, but I can definitely see how bullying leaves a lasting effect on kids. It’s so sad to hear how often this happens, and how often the adults involved in the kid’s life don’t help. Hopefully people will become more aware of the issue and start doing something about it.
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Really moving post, Bret.
The sad thing about bullying is that it’s usually the bullies who are the ones in need of help. That irrational anger often comes from a place of misery. It certainly doesn’t excuse their behaviour but it makes tackling the problem much more complex.
The key is to help children grow up in happy environments, make them feel good about themselves, and give them the outlets to be who they are.
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I’d love to see this movie. It’s true that bullies often have some serious problems of their own. But when you’re a kid, you don’t realize this. And it can mess you up. Actually adults act the same way.
Matthew Karsten recently posted..Swimming with Bulls: Shark Diving in Fiji
Haven’t seen the film but definitely going to check it out now. It always makes me sad that kids can be so cruel!
Cole @ FourJandals.com recently posted..Outdoor Activities in Edinburgh: Adventure City Guide
It’s shameful that some of the very authority figures who are supposed to protect children are turning a blind eye to these activities and events.
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Thanks for casting some light on this important topic. It’s scary to see how so many people still don’t understand how bad bullying can really be. The whole “buck up and deal with it” attitude is just so wrong and nobody should ever have to be afraid to go to school (or wherever else the bullying is taking place). Hopefully projects like this one can make parents and school administrators realize the extent of the issue and how it’s not just the physical trauma that’s an issue but the emotional devastation too. Sorry to hear you were a victim

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Excellent interview. Anything that helps with getting this movie “out there” is a positive. I have to think/hope that as awareness grows of the long-term effects of bullying, that school administrators will continue to take a more proactive and enlightened approach to nipping it in the bug. I was in middle school a long time ago, well before bullying was even considered a problem (more of a hazing process?) and now, with my two daughters in middle school right now, I’m so pleased that their school has a zero tolerance policy. When the school culture is as such, it really makes an impact. The biggest and most potent “bullying” moment either of my daughters experienced in middle school was when a couple of 12 year olds rolled their eyes at one of mine. Imagine that!
Jennifer recently posted..Tips for Skiing Winter Park Resort with Kids
I was bullied. It’s hard, at this point in my life, to remember it all. I was once beaten up until I lost consciousness–a particularly painful memory since my brother was among the older boys taunting me. It was Boy Scout Camp, and he’d just told them that I wet the bed.
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Great interview. I’m so glad this issue has come to light and that this very brave documentary was made. Thank you for sharing your story, very powerful. -Veronica
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